Dear anyone who has helped me change.?
I’m know that I am probably the last person you want to hear from right now. I know you hate me, and that’s ok, because I don’t particularly like myself right now either, but I’m trying to change, and I think I’m getting there, and surely that’s a start. For the things I did, the things I said, that caused you pain, I’m sorry. I know those words often hold little, or no significance, but they are currently the best I have.
I’m sorry are the words I use when I have nothing else to say. When everything else has settled down, and the anger and pain has started to go away, that’s when these words hold the greatest amount of strength. Now they are not used in anger, or pain, or in a desperate act of trying to hard. They are not a throw away comment, when trying so hard to work out, what you want me to say. This I’m sorry comes from a place of reflection, where I can see when I went wrong, and I have a desire to change, even though I know it may be to late.
They say that hind sight is a wonderful thing and, recently I have been doing a lot of thinking, and believe me if I could go back and do some things differently I would. I would start at the beginning and work my way forward. I would back to when we first met, and change what we became. I would go back to the moment where everything changed. I would listen to others rather than you, and focus on me for once, rather aim for what you chose for me, which did us all more harm than good. I would listen more carefully when you reached out to me, I would think with my head, and not with my heart.
However I would be stronger and walk away in times you hurt me, because believe me that happened to. I wouldn’t shout or swear, or cry myself to sleep. I would simply walk away, and tell myself it will be ok. That it will all settle down, and we will be ok. Rather than jumping to my own defence, by throwing harsh words back in your face. I wouldn’t think of ways to get back at you, instead focus on my happiness, rather than trying to please you.
They say that hindsight is a wonderful thing, and I agree. It has allowed me to see everything you did for me, and for that I say thank you. It has also helped me see what we all could have done differently. I can look back to, understand my actions better than I did before. I can see, the changes I would have made, and the way things could have been, but I know that that reality wasn’t meant to be, and there is nothing I can do to change the outcome.
Before I end this open letter to anyone I’ve ever hurt, I will say one more thing. To quote wicked:
I’ve heard it said, that people come into our lives for a reason – For Good
Everyone we meet has an impact on us. They bring something we must learn, and help us to grow, and change into who we need to become. What writing this open letter has made me realise is; if events like this, where we have to write these letters didn’t happen, then I would not become the person I am meant to be, as I wouldn’t of learnt the lessons that I need to know, in order to be the best version of me. I am not saying that knowing this makes anything easier, in fact I don’t know if it helps at all, but right now I will take it.
Love
E xx
E's Journey 