So I haven’t written anything in a long time… Originally this blog started out as way of me documenting my 100 days of no alcohol… as we all know that ended disastrously. Then this blog became somewhere I used to just type out all the random crap which surrounded my head for a while… but now I am making a change. This blog is no longer gonna be called E’s Journey, because recently I have realised something.

At the beginning of writing this I thought there was a final destination…

That I would eventually reach a location where I felt like I finished…

but now I know that life is a constant journey…

This blog will mainly be called Emma Milligan. A blog which follows the continuous development of my life.. It will document the big moments… the small… the random thoughts which surround my head… just basically anything which comes to mind.

Anyway so yep… The reason I have started this blog again is because I want to talk about something, something which I have been thinking about a lot recently… self worth…

I have written on this blog before about my struggles with mental health, and it is something which I am constantly working on… however something which I don’t talk about is how my struggles with mental health effect my relationship with the term

Self Worth

For the longest time I have doubted my self worth, and it has resulted in me relying on others to validate my self worth. For a long time I didn’t understand, or honestly think that this was a problem. It wasn’t that I always relied on other people… it just meant that I would try everything to keep others happy, often putting my needs secondary. Sometimes this did not effect me to much… but occasionally it ended pretty disastrously. When my mental health is at its worth I struggle to cope with situations like this… and certain events can lead to me feeling worthless, and it begins to effect every aspect of my life… work, school, university everything.

I know I have said this many times on this blog, but this time it is time to make a change. For those who don’t know on of my top shows to watch is Rue Pauls Drag Race… and recently I have started to think about ‘if you  can’t love yourself how in the hell you gonna love somebody else’, and it’;s so true. When I at my lowest, thats when I struggle to love others. The times where I feel worthless, when I don’t even feel able to love myself, are the times when I rely to much on others. 

So from now on… I am going focus on loving me…. and being honest with my feelings  .

Love

Emma x

“Sometimes we need to take a step back”

“Sometimes stepping back is better option then stepping ahead”

“Its ok to take a step back and breath”

The internet is full of quotes about stepping back, and taking the time to look after yourself. In a simple search you can find blogs, and interviews, about the best ways to take time for yourself, and step back from your everyday life… however it always seems easier said than done.

I openly admit that I on many occasions have said that I am going to take a step back, and re shape my life, (there evidence of my many failed attempts on this blog) however every time I have failed, or given up, or simply just not had the time, however this time, I feel I have no choice but I have to.

Reading this blog back over the last few months, I realise that it was full of negativity, and sadness, and please believe me when I say; this was never its intention. The intention of this blog, was a so that I had a place were I could write down my thoughts, and feels each day. Where I could follow my journey of 100 days of not drinking (which lasted 2 weeks), my random food recipes,  anything you can think off, which fills me with joy, instead it turned into something completely different… It turned into the place where I put my sadness out into the world.

Its only look back now, that I can see what I was doing.

Over the last 6 months I was having a really difficult time. There was a lot going on in my life, and I didn’t really know where to turn. I did not know where to turn, who to talk to, or even what words to use, so I wrote it down, not realising just how negative it was. Just writing it down, made me feel like a form of therapy, and I thought I was dealing with it, however it turns out I was very wrong.

I wrote down everything, acting like I was dealing with it when I really wasn’t. I had my friends asking me if I was ok, and of course they knew I really wasn’t, but I refused to take any of the help they were willing to give, which was more un healthy than anything else.

So I am taking a break…

I am taking a break from pretending to be ok.

I am taking a break from being “functioning” when I actually want to be living.

I am taking a break from being the person who my family are afraid to talk to…

I am not saying that this is going to happen over night.

I am not saying that is going to be easy, or that I am not going to have days where I feel like I want to curl up in bed, and not move for weeks on end. Im not saying that I wont slip up, but I am saying that I am going to try.

I am going to try to take a step back, and look at myself, rather than worrying about everyone else around me. For the first time in months I am going to focus on my happiness, and look at what I need. 

I want to be there for the people in my life, who I love and care about. However right not I can’t be, because I don’t love myself (thanks to the eternal wisdom of Rupaul), and I know that if I don’t take a step back, and take break, and sort myself out, then I wont be able to be there for those who around me!

I am gong to take it in stages.

This week I am stepping back from social media. I know this sounds like the first step that everyone takes, but I really do think that for me it is  good step to take.

I spend so much time online. Honestly I feel like rather than my phone being  something which is external to my body, I am beginning to feel that it is attached to my body.

 Its like a extra limb which I can no longer live without.

I have a:

• Personal facebook account
• A work Facebook page
• A facebook messenger
• A personal Instagram account
• A work Instagram account
• A blog Instagram account
• A snap chat
• A Youtube channel. 
• A twitter
• A Spotify artist page
• A Tinder account
• A Bumble account
• A Personal Gmail account
• A Work Gmail account
• A Yahoo email
• A iCloud email
• A Outlook email for university.
• This blog (which I love)
• A Work website

All of which is run through my phone. I spend so much looking at these accounts in my attempts to stay connected to the outside world, I have began to feel like I am not witnessing life which is happening around me.

I have been at lunch with friends and rather than talking we are on our phones, I have been in a theatre show, and rather than concentrating on the show in front of me, I was constantly thinking about what was going on online.

I have been in the best mood ever, and then I suddenly look at my phone and someone who I haven’t spoken to in years, posts something online, and it ruins my day, something which If I hadn’t been online, would not have had any effect on my life.

I know this sounds stupid because I write a blog, but for the next 7 days I am going to challenge myself to quit social media. I am still going to use my phone. I am going call and text, however I am going to hugely reduce the amount of time I spend online, so hopefully my list will go the pervious list to:

• A Personal Gmail account 
• A Work Gmail account
• A Outlook email for university. 
• This blog (which I love) 

All of my social media is going away for the week. I am keeping my main email accounts because I have no choice to, and this blog. This blog will be use to document my week of no social media, however there are rules.

I will write the blog post in my note book, and then I will have 1 hour, to write up, and post the blog online.

I know this week isn’t going to be easy, but I am determined to make this work!

Love

Emma x

So recently in the news I have noticed there has been a lot of talk about, the benefits, and disadvantages of social media… Dont worry this isn’t a political post or a post about my views on social media, this is about my presence on social media, and looking back over my various years, on social media, and seeing how even though many things change, e.g. my hairstyle, clothing, music style, but something things never change.

Yesterday evening I decided to go onto my Youtube Channel and look back through all of my old videos, and it really made me think about something.

This year I turn 21.

I know terrifying right, and when you turn 21 people expect you to have your life together, I have just bought my first car, and I am having to budget my wages, to ensure I have enough money to live!

You are viewed by many as being  officially an adult.

You are expected to know what you are doing with your life. You are officially able to buy alcohol in America, you are expected to be sensible with your money, and all of the adult stuff.

These realisations, and expectations  have recently  been making me feel like I am loosing touch with the child that I once was. When I say child I don’t mean the small six year old child who would run around in play parks, or play hop scotch in the school playground. I am talking about the 15 year old version of me. The version of me who was old enough to have my own independence, however had none of stress and responsibilities of early adult life.

I would often look back on that time, and cringe, about some of the things I did back then, (like a really bad live stream improvisation, which is still available online, if anyone ever wants to try and find it haha), and want to forget them from my memory, however yesterday I wanted to be back at that age. I was feeling nostalgic so I started looking through my old facebook account, and Youtube channel videos, and rather than making me cringe, or want to burn everything it reminded me why I am putting myself though the stress of university, and the stress of re teaching myself to drive,  it because I am trying to fulfil everything which that younger version of me wanted to achieve.

It also reminded me that:

No matter how many different hairstyles I have

No matter how many fashion changes I go thorough

How many things about me change, some things never will,

That I am the person I am now because of the people I have been, and that no matter how much I want to change the past version of me, or wish the videos which are online weren’t, I would not be in the place I am without those previous versions!

Please watch the youtube video and let me know what you think!

Love

Emma xx

I know I haven’t posted in a while, which I am really sorry about but I have just been so busy with university, but anyway I am back!!

Today I wanted to share with you, a new cover which I decided to record today. It is a song by one of my favourite artists at the moment by Lewis Capaldi.  Today he released a new music video for his song someone you Loved, and in honour of this I recorded my own cover. This song really resonated with me because as soon as I heard the lyrics I connected to the song.

Anyway I hope you like the cover, let me know what you think!!

love

Emma xx

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ho338mH2OQI

So I want to begin by saying to anyone who is reading this I hope you all had a great Christmas, and I hope that your New Years is great!

In this blog post I want to talk about leaving 2018 behind, and moving forward towards 2019.

As I have mentioned before, and what is pretty clear from my previous blog posts, 2018 has been a difficult year for me. This year has been a mixed year. I have made amazing friends, had some great times, and grown closer with people in my life, but it hasn’t always been great. 2018 has brought challenges issues, and situations which I never thought I would have to, and it wasn’t easy. Even though the situations were difficult I have learnt a lot. I have learnt who my real friends are, and I have grown up a lot.

2019 is my chance to move on from everything which has happened this year. Even though it has been difficult if it hadn’t happened, I would not be doing a lot of the things I am currently doing.

• I would never of started this blog,
• I would have not written my new EP
• I would no have started putting time, and effort into my youtube channel.

I am not going to say that 2019 is going to be a perfect year. I am not going to say that it is going to be everything that this year wasn’t, because I know that is unrealistic, but what I can say is…

2019 is going to be the year I try to do better.

It is going to be the year that I:

•  learn from the mistakes I made this year.

• Focus on my happiness

• Learn to stress less

• Travel More

• Practice self acceptance

• See my family more

• Surround myself with people who make me want to be better

I know this year is not going to be perfect. Just like every year, its going to be filled with bumps along the way, but I will do everything In my power to be the best version of myself.

Please check out my video about my new years resolutions:

I hope you all have a wonderful New Years, and that 2019 is great for you. To anyone reading this I hope you enjoy coming on this journey over the next year with me!!

Love

Emma xx

So I have decided to do a huge over haul and look of my online presence, I want to focus on writing about things which I like, and I enjoy! SO that is why I have decided to do my first outfit of the day post!

For those of you who don’t know I love fashion! I always have! Everyone who knows me, knows I worked in River Island for 4 years, and it was once one of my ambitions to be a fashion buyer for clothing brands, so today I want t make the first set in combining my love of blogging, and fashion, and do an outfit of the day.

So todays outfit of the day, kind of had a grungy feel, which I would say is slightly inspired by Vivienne Westwood in the 1970’s.

Top: River Island

Jacket: River Island

Trousers: River Island

Earrings: Forever 21

Shoes: Vans

Backpack: Katie Loxton

So for todays smoothie I thought I would try something bit different. When I was looking online for inspiration for smoothie recipes, I discovered a chart which is a kind of mix and match, but for making smoothies (I think it is my new favourite thing). So from this list I decided to make my first ever smoothie I have designed myself 🙂 If you want to check out the mix and match list check it out here!

SO from this list I have created a drink which I am calling Strawberry, Raspberry and Peanut Butter Smoothie Extravaganza!

Ingredients

• 5 Frozen Raspberries
• 5 Medium Frozen Strawberries
• 1 1/2 Table Spoons of Peanut Butter
• 1 Teaspoon of Cinnamon
• 1 Teaspoon of Maple Syrup
• 1/2 Cup of Canned Coconut Milk ( I had to add in some almond milk in order to create a smoother constancy

Method

1. Place ingredients into a blender (part from the almond milk), and wizz
2. Add almond milk when needed.

Method Review

As normal with smoothie recipes, this method is super simple, and easy to clean up! What I will say is be careful when adding almond milk because you don’t want to add to much and make it to runny! It comes out. a bright pink colour which made me very happy, because it is my favourite colour! ( I put it in a Santa glass, because it made me very happy!) When I was finished making it I added two raspberries on time, and a pecan, just because!

Taste Review

Ok so I liked this smoothie, however I did have to add a little maple syrup in order to add a little sweetness. It tasted very similar to melted ice cream, and it made me very happy! I also left me feeling full, and ready to take on the rest on the day, how to go along with this smoothie I also had a small bowl of macadamia nuts, and pecans, as an extra source of protein.

Again please let me know if I have any recommendations for smoothies/drinks/meals I could try.

Thanks

Emma xx

So… Recently online I have been seeing a lot on my pintoes of things called a junk Journal.

For those of you who don’t know a junk journal is effectively a scrap book.  Junk journals come in may different styles, however they are most often home made. One thing I loved the idea of is making a junk journal out of an old book, which is falling apart, as I think it is always a good thing to repurpose things, and give them a new lease of life.

Now I am not going to lie. I am creative person, however art, has never been my strong point, but this was something I Desperately wanted to try to do… so I did.

To being with I went to my local charity shop and bought two old, hard back books, for £2 each. I then went to the pound shop and bought two packets of card, one black, and one multi coloured. So in total for supplies to make my junk journal it has cost £5. Now if you compare this to what you would pay in somewhere like paper chase (and believe me I know because I love stationary), it is a good priceless you get the feeling of creating something yourself.

My plan is to use Junk Journaling as a way of a positive outlet. They are going to be filled with things which make me happy. Currently my first junk journal contains, song lyrics which inspire me, artists who inspire me, important musicals to m, and some pretty things which I find in my house.

My aim is to continue to fill this junk journal, until it is something which Is completely full!

Let me know if anyone has any tips on junk journaling or any suggestions o stuff I could put in the journal!

Thanks

Emma xx

So today I once again I substituted lunch for a smoothie, and that smoothie, was a Peanut Butter Smoothie. I found this recipe online, (Check out the original recipe here) and I automatically knew I had to try it, as I love Peanut butter!

It is super simple to make, and the ingredients were things which were cheaper to get ahold off, rather than the ingredients in the smoothie I made yesterday.

Ingredients

• ¾ cup water

• 1 firm banana

• ¼ cup canned coconut milk

• 2 tbs peanut butter or ¼ cup roasted peanuts

I added

• Cinnamon

• 3 Pecans

• Crushed Ice

Directions

• Place all ingredients into a blender
• Blend until smooth. Enjoy!

Review of Method

Again this is a super easy recipe, which is incredibly simple to make. I will be honest though when you put the ingredients in the blender before you blend, it does not look very appetising, its doesn’t really look right putting peanut butter, water, banana and coconut milk together, but it all comes together and looks great I promise. 

I began by mixing these ingredients together, and then when it was nearly completely blended, I added the Pecans, and cinnamon. I did this because they were a last minuet addition. Again I would say just because it has good banana in it you may need to blend it for a long time, if you are like me, and like smooth smoothies/Once it was ready I added crushed ice – to keep it extra cold, and then I placed it in my trusty water bottle.

Taste Review

So today I took this smoothie out on the go, to university as I had an exam today, which surprisingly went really well!!

Also I will say I LOVE THIS SMOOTHIE! The best way to describe the tase was, it tastes like banana bread!

It is sweet, as well as savoury, and it left me feeling full, and satisfied with my lunch, it made me very happy!!

Would you drink again: 100%!

Again let me know if you guys have ny suggestion for me!!

Thanks
Emma xx

So as part of my new healthy lifestyle tonights dinner, was  and easy which can be made quickly, and is also kinda good for you.

Tonight I am eating:

Beetroot and Spinach Burgers, on Linseed, and oat bread, with seasoned sweet potato wedges.

Beetroot and Spinach Burgers

Shop: Asda, £1.50. Click and buy here

These burgers were something when I was in Asda earlier on today which really caught my eye. They go in the oven at Gas Mark 6, for 25 minuets. They are really to make, which means they are perfect when you are living a busy life.

Taste Review

Im not gonna lie, I didn’t feel they had a lot of flavour – but I still enjoyed them! They are the constancy of any regular Vegan burger. I would say one of the over whelming tastes was not, beetroot, or spinach, but pumpkin seeds, something which I really enjoy so I am not complaining.

Would you eat again; YES

Linseed and Oat Bread

Get the packet mix here

 So today I thought I would make some home made bread (but I did kinda Cheat). Most people who know me know I love to cook, so sometimes I will get the urge to make something, and today it was bread. As I am not very skilled in this feel I decided to buy a packet mix, which I owed for a Linseed and Oat Bread Mix. It was really easy to make, and the results were great! It went so well with the Beetroot burgers. I can even picture this bread going well with soup, other burgers, anything.

Would you eat again; YES

Sweet Potato Wedges

A stable of my diet, the sweet potato wedges. All I do is cut up a sweet potato. coat them in olive oil. and add spices. Today it was a mixture of cinnamon, paprika, turmeric. It seems like a weird combination, but I really enjoy it!

Would you eat again; YES

All in all I would definitely have this mean again, however I would maybe not call it an extravaganza I would add spinach, on the burger as an added texture.

If anyone has any recipe suggestions please let me know!

Thanks

Emma xx

Anyone who has been following this blog since the beginning I one of my main aims was to start living and eating better, and today I took a step towards that. Not many people know this but recently I have been having a few health issues, and this had made me decide to make lifestyle changes in order to become healthier. The health issues I have been having (without going into much detail) are to do with my stomach, and when I was researching what I have been told by my doctors, many people online recommend smoothies, as a great substitute, so I thought I would use this blog to  share wha I make and let you guys know what I think of them.

The first smoothie I have tried is Chocolate Turmeric Smoothie. To find the link to the original recipe please click here.

The recipe I followed included:

Ingredients

• 1 cup almond milk (or the milk of your choice)
• 1 firm banana
• 2 tbs cacao
• 1 tbs canned coconut milk
• 1/2 tsp turmeric
• 1/4 tsp cinnamon
• 1/4 tsp ground ginger
• Pinch of black pepper
• 1 tsp maple syrup (optional) – even though it says optional I used it because i thought it might add some sweetness.

To this recipe I also added

• Crushed ice – Because I like things cold
• 3 Walnuts ( I love the taste and I am trying to incorporate nuts into my diet)

Method

1. Whizz all the ingredients in a blender and enjoy!

Review of Method

One of the easiest things I have done!! Just throw it in a blender, and that’s it! Super, simple, and not much mess perfect if you want something to be ready In a hurry. – it made me very happy!! 🙂  one thing I will say is ensure you blend the mixture for while is you are like me and like a smooth smoothie 🙂

Review of taste!

Before I start reviewing!

One tip: get yourself a water bottle which keeps in the temperature of your drink! If you want a cold drink they are definitely worth it! and make sure it doesn’t leak, particularly if you are like me and want to take your drinks on the go. I got mine from Asda, it was £7, which I know seems pricy but I love it! Any way back to the smoothie! 

I will say I loved this smoothie! It was a mixture of sweet, which comes from the cacao power, and Mabel syrup, and the spiciness of to the turmeric and ginger. I definitely appreciated my addition of pecans, and ice, because I added a different texture to the liquid, which I enjoyed the smoothie alot more.

Let me know if you try this recipe, and let me know what you think, also if you have another smoothie recipes you think I should try I would love to hear them!

Thanks

Emma xx

At this time of year, TV begin to show christmas movies, at any time of the day. Recently I was scroling through the channels, (when I should have been doing university work), when I stumbled across a move called “Christmas Perfection”. The movie is about a young woman who wakes up, the day after thanksgiving, and finds herself in her “perfect Christmas village”. In this village her parents are still together, she has the perfect boyfriend, and every day is christmas, and it seems like the perfect place.I am not going to go into detail of the film, becasue that is not the point of this blog post. I bring up this movie becasue today I found myself in my own Perfect christmas village, in Yorkshire.

Today I went on a little adventure to a little town in the heart of Yorkshire, in England. This is a little town known as Skipton. Every year, for the last 24 years, at christmas Skipton have a very famous christmas market, where the whole town goes

Christmas Mad! I dont mean a little, I mean completely and utterly mad, and it is AMAZING!

For me I love christmas. For as long as I can remember my christmas tree goes up on the first of Decemeber, and I begin singing christmas songs, as soon as it is seen as socially acceptable, so a town like Skipton, where christmas literary takes over, is my dream come true!

Part of the festival is inspuired by the works of Charles Dicksons, and this is very clear as you walk aroun the town. Local busniesses and people,  dress in traditional victorian dress, which was common around the era when Dicksons was writing, his classic christmas tale, A Christmas Carol.

Looking around and seeing the villagers in the traditional victorian dress, really makes you feel like you have been transported back in time. When we think of christmas we imagine, the show. We grow up surrounded by the romantasized images of people sking on lakes which are frozen over, and walking around in the show, in this tradional dress, however we know we will never be part of it, however seeing the villiagers in this dress, made me feel like I could be part of that romantasized images, I have always been surrounded by, and really made the christmas spirit feel real.

Something which also helps add to the effectivness of Skipton christmas festival, is the fact of how picturesque the town is in general. Skipton is the type of villiage which you would espect to see in Harry Potter. It is a small little town filled with little cottages, quaint cobbled streets, and there is a real sence of christmas spirit, which is enchanced by the christmas lights, and music which fill the sreets during the festival. What also helps is how welcoming, and accomidating the local people are, which makes the fesival feel like a fun safe place for all the family.

The town is also filled with something for everyone. There are many local busniesses, which seem to sell anything you could think of. There are old fashioned sweet shops, stalls selling handmade gifts, bakers, cafes, pubs, (there is even a shop which sold Harry Potter, and Disney Stuff (I got very excited about this 🙂 ).

As well as the shops, throughout the festvial there are event which happen in the street. There are street performers e.g. magicians. There are puppet shows, and live music. When I was there were real life raindeer. There is a santa’s grotto. A torch light procession through the town, and there is an evening carol service, which was lead by the victor, which was my favorite part of the day, because there was a real sence of community and it made me feel ready for christmas.

Going to Skipton has well, and truely made me ready for christmas. It is a great day out for the whole family, and if you are ever in the area I would highly recommed a visit.

Love
Emma xx

In the past on this blog I have talked about my absolute love of musical theatre, and how obsessed with it I am!

What I haven’t talked about before is; before I became a singer songwriter, I was involved in performing Musical Theatre, in fact I was so passionate about it that for a long time it was what I wanted to pressure a career in, however I discovered a guitar and my life began to take another direction, and I stopped performing musical theatre… that was until very recently.

As I have also talked about on this blog, I have spent my last two summers, at French Woods Festival of the performing arts in Upper state New York. French Woods is a performing arts camp, which is well known for their musical theatre program, and something about being there reminded me of this passion that I let go off. During my two summers there I have been in both of the staff shows; First Hercules, and second High School Musical.

Being part of these productions, and spending time around these wonderful musical theatre performers, has inspired me to get involved with the musical theatre society at my university. At first I was nervous. It felt weird to me. Because I had been out of something for such a long time, I knew I would find it difficult, to stand up and sing, however I get over my fear, and I did it!

During this past week, we did our musical theatre Showcase, and I have got to say,

I had the best time.

During the showcase I performed in two group numbers:

• Hello from The Book of Mormon
• Over and Done With from Sunshine on Leith. (During this one I had a solo: you know the line:  “his is the story of losing my virginity
  I held my breath and the bed held a trinity
  People I’m making no claims to a mystery
  But sometimes it seems like
  My sex life’s all history” It was a little difficult not to laugh.

During the showcase I also performed a solo, which was ” I Know Where Ive been” from Hairspray.

Everyone who performed was amazing! It was so much fun sharing the stage with such am amazing group of people, who have really helped me relight my love, and passion for musical theatre, and I cannot wait tout on our end of year show, in May.

P.s I have also made a short video about 5 Musicals which I love, I hope you enjoy it! Please give it a watch and let me know what you think!

Love

Emma xx

Hi guys… So I know I have been away a while, but there is good reason. So recently I have been getting a lot of comments from my friends and family who read the blog, commenting on how negative it has become. At first I did not understand what they meant, until one day I sat down and read through ALL of my recent blog posts, and a quickly realised they were right!

I started this blog for a couple of reasons.

1. To use as an outlet, to document my journey of over coming what I had recently been through.
2. To send positivity into the world.

However I realised that I was doing either of these things. What Is clear from my previous blog posts, is that I have been struggling. As some of you know I have had a very difficult year this year. I have lost people close to me, and I have to deal with things I never thought I would have to. I wanted to use this blog as an outlet so that this negativity I was experiencing did not flow over into my real life, but it was! However I have now made a decision:

It is time for a change! and that change starts today!

I have decided to start a blog along with this blog! This vlog will be all about positivity, and will hopefully let you guys get to know me better! The first video Is a 10 facts about me video! I would love to know what you guys think, so if you could watch it I would really appreciate it

So Currently I feel like I spend no time in Scotland, and here is why. As seen in a previous blog post I have spent time in Staffordshire and Cardiff, visiting my family, and witnessing Scotland get well and truly beaten at Rugby by the well in Cardiff (it was still a good game though).

This weekend I was slightly further a field than Cardiff I was in Paris, France. Honestly all I can say everyone should get them self a best friend who does a year abroad, because even though  it has been 6 months since we last saw each other, I can go and visit her, and ago on crazy adventures in cities, and places which are far away from home :-).

So a little bit of background… Me and Eve have been friends since we were very young, like primary school young, and when she told me she was going on her year abroad, I was excited for her, but also sad because it would mean I wouldn’t see her for a while… however it was kinda pay back fro me disappearing of to America for 6 months of the lat two years (sorry about that 🙂 ), however I also realised that it means I have to go and see her, and this weekend I did!

Friday

I have never been to Paris before, and I am not going to lie I am nervous. I do not speak any French and I am slightly terrified. I arrive at the airport stupidly early, and I sit and do uni work and, and fuel my daily coffee addiction, and then I get on the flight!!

The flight only takes 1 hour and 30 minuets, however it feels like its takes a lot less time. When I arrive in Paris I am so happy to see Eve! She meets me at the airport, and then we go back to her flat! There is a local bakery next to her flat. Once there we get pani’s (I got a salmon one – It was weird but Nice), we then went to the local shopping centre, and had a chilled day.

Saturday

Saturday was slightly more eventful day. I woke up in the morning and decided to go for a wonder. I decided that it would be a good idea to attempt to walk the 1 hour and 45 minuet walk to the Notre Dame, well lets just say it was not, I did not  make it. I decided half way through that because of the rain, and the fact I was meeting Eve, I decided to go else where, so I did ended up at Panthéon, which was so pretty. During my walk I realised just how beautiful this city s even when it was raining.

After I eventually got back to the flat, Me Eve, and her friends went for a MacDonalds. I know it is a small thing but when ever I am travelling to a different country I like to try food you would not get at home, so when at MacDonalds I had:

• Potato Wedges
• Chicken Wings

I don’t really eat MacDonalds, so I was pleasantly surprised by this, however it doesn’t mean I will be rushing back to the fast food chain soon.

Sunday

Sunday was one of the best days I had when I was away. Before I had left Eve and I had decided to book tickets to go and see the Spanish Singer Enrique Iglesias. Now heres a small bit of background to why this had been decided.

Eve loves Enrique Iglesias, I can tolerate his music, but I would not say I am a huge fan, or so I thought, until I went to this concert, and it turns out… I am a Enrique Iglesias Fan!!.

This concert was one of the best concerts I had been to in a long time. We arrived at the venue 4 hours before it started in order to get the best standing position possible. It was freezing standing outside of this venue, as it was raining however we managed it, and we eventually got to see Enrique.  When his support act came one, everyone was very under welled, however when the actual show started it was amazing!! He played all of his most known songs, and it turns out that there many songs by him, which I was unaware which were performed by him. He performed songs such as El Bano, Hero,  Duele El Corazon and Move To Miami.

Monday

Monday was my last day in Paris and my day to be a tourist. Luckily staying with your best. friend who happene’s to know there way around Paris very well has its perks, we managed to do the sights in a day, jumping on and off the metro.

I had a a good time I Paris! It is a beautiful city, and I enjoyed every minuet of my time there. Somewhere else ticketed of my travel bucket list…

Until my next adventure!

Love

Emma xx

Today quote of the day comes from the song Robbers by the 1975.  I love this song, and this line always stands out to me. This part of this song reminds me that if you never try to go for the things that to you want, then you will never know what the outcome would be.

For those of you who do not know I am British, well Scottish technically, but I am British. If anyone reading this is, who is not British, then you may not know about bonfire night, and to many of you, like it does to my American friends, it might seem a bit strange.

Bonfire night, is the night were as a nation we remember the plot, carried out by Guy Fawkes were he attempted blow up the houses of parliament in 1605, however he failed, as he discovered just before midnight on the 4th of November.  We have bonfires where people burn scarecrows which signify Guy Fawkes, but most commonly we have fireworks.

In this blog I want to talk about the fact that:

I love fireworks! 

I always have. I know this sounds strange, but when ever I think of fireworks, I never think of any sad situations. When I think of memories of times where I have watched fireworks, I only remember happy times. I remember going round to family friends houses on bonfire night and watching the lights, and hearing the bangs of the fire works surrounded by people I love. I remember walking along the beach with my friends, hiding alcohol from our parents (because we may have been a year or two too young to drink haha). I remember my first 4th of July in America, and being amazed by the red, white and blue fire work displays, put on to celebrate their independence. I remember spelling my name with sparklers, quickly before they run out, trying, and failing to capture it on camera.

Photo by john paul tyrone fernandez on Pexels.com

Photo by Kartik Gupta on Pexels.com

Its very rare that you ever hear fire works used in an negative similarity. People say that when they kiss someone they care about, they feel fire works. When people celebrate a big occasion there is fireworks, and the happiest place on earth, Disney world uses fireworks in its displays every night.

Today I just really wanted to write about how much I love fireworks, and how even though in the UK they are used in what some consider a weird celebration they never fail to bring me joy, and that is something to remember. 

Love

Emma xx

As I have mentioned a few times on this blog, and on my facebook page, after over a year,  I have began working on new music, and am slowly in the process of writing my new EP, and today I would like to share the first draft of my new song: Fall So Far.

This is the FIRST DRAFT, it is NOT FINISHED, however I just thought I would share it with you all in order to get an idea of what you guys think of the track so far!

The track is about falling for someone who you really shouldn’t, and after it is over you look back and see every negative side of the relationship.

To listen to the full track, either click here to go to Soundcloud, or click here to go to YouTube.

I would love to know what you guys think!

Thanks

Emma x

Over and done with by the Proclaimers, is a song which at this very moment in my life, has became very important, and relevant in my life.

Growing up in Scotland (particularly Edinburgh) it is difficult to escape the Proclaimers, as there influence on contemporary Scottish music is unmissable. I remember first hearing the song 500 miles, at the age of 5, and it has followed me around, everywhere I go, and holds a huge place in my heart.

Another song which has recently become to hold, the same six place in my heart which 500 miles does, is the Proclaimers is Over and Done With, particularly the version from the popular film Sunshine on Leith.

The whole song is about, events which happen in your life, and starting to move on from then, as they are over and done with, and will never come around again.

Recently I have had to let go of someone from my life, who did not treat me well, and I was the same in return. Since then I have started to realise that part of my life is Over and Done with. Listening to this song, made me realise that, that part of my life is over, and it is time to move on. I have spent so much time thinking, and mulling over everything that happened, however thanks to this song I have now realised that,

“I will no longer give head space to someone who isn’t worth my head space.” 

Love

E xx

When I started this blog I promised myself that I was always going to be 100% honest, and I have to say Im sorry…. but I havent been able to stick to that.

If you have been follwoing my blog since I strated you will have noticed that for the last few days I have been very quiet. This is because I have been thinking really hard about what to write, because recently I have been writing not about the person that I currently am (apart from my mental health day post), but I have been writing as if I am the person that I want to be. Last week a friend who has read my blog for the last 31 days said to me,

“I love your blog, but you need to learn how to take your own advice”

So starting today I promise that everything I post here is going to be honest. This includes my good days, and my bad. I promised that I wouldn’t drink for 100 days, and as I have already said, the first time I couldn’t stick to this, however I can honestly say, that since my second post on this top I have not had a drink :-), and I intend not to!

This is where this post gets a little bit deep, and I apologise in advance.

I am not ok…

For those of you who know me off-line, and even if you look at my instagram pages, facebook ect… I tend (like us all) to post only the positive stuff, because this is the image of myself which I want to present to the world, however under it all,

I am struggling, and thats ok. 

I am an emotional, mess of a human being, who has some stuff to  figure out, and work through, which is what I am currently doing. The stuff I am currently dealing with are things which I have experienced for years, however over the last several months, have became more prominent in my everyday life. I am currently working out strategies, and techniques which will help me on the bad days, and how I can start to have less of those days. As I have already said on this blog, I am going to start being honest, and If you  look back through the posts you will notice there are days missing, these are days which I refer to as;

Bad days.

These are days where I dont want to do anything, where the world feels like it is swallowing me up. Where I can only hear the negative things inside my head, rather than remembering all the good things about me. The days where no matter how hard I try I cannot focus on anything, the days where I just want to run away.

My aim with this blog is to have something every day which will allow me, to have something to focus on so I have less, and less bad days.

Thank you all for coming on this journey with me, I love you all.

Love

E xx

Recently I have realised the true power, and strength of words. People say that;

the pen is mightier than the sword, 

and I can I 150% agree. In my 20 years on this planet I have never once been in a physical fight (unless you count Karate)which was provoked by anger. However I have been many a war of words, and I have either inflicted or felt the same amount of pain, felt in a physical fight, however through the use of either spoken words, or the written word. Recently I was involved in a argument with someone who met a lot to me, however this person had really hurt me. In the form of a letter to then I wrote down every nasty, and hurtful thing, I could ever possibly think of in order to cause them pain, never thinking they would see it, as my intention was to move it to trash folder, and forget it. I did this for various reasons:

1. I use writing as a form of therapy. I write down everything I would like to say to someone, in the heat of a moment so that it is out of my system, and the words will never come out of my mouth, and our relationship is still in tact. I started doing this in primary school, and it has helped in many situations.

2. If I do keep the letters (which is not very often), it is a reminder of be Emma I hate. The Emma who is willing to say anything in the moment. Who does not care about who she hurts.

However she did see this letter, as I forgot to delete it (we were sharing an account… it’s a long story). If I am being honest I can’t remember exactly what it said. All I know is we no longer speak, and a friendship which I really cared about is over, because of the power words held, and that is one of my biggest regrets.

The difference between physical fights, and verbal words is; once a punch has been thrown, or a kick has happened, eventually those wounds will heal, and it is often forgotten who hit who first, however words stay with us. We hold on to the exact words and phrases which were said, and we can always recite them perfectly, even if something was said ten years ago. Let’s go back to primary school. No matter how years ago, you can always remember the names you were called by the school bully, and you have always carried that with you, and no matter how hard you try, it may not bother you any more, but you always remember what that stupid name did to you and how it made you feel.

Anyway the point I am trying to make here is;

Never under estimate the power of words

They hold more power than a punch, and stay with you for the longest of time!

Love

E xx

Today marks world mental health day! I know I am posting this really late on today, but I a have a good reason. All of today I have felt I have had a couple of options;

1. Do a post unrelated to mental health
2. Write a post about my mental health.

I was going to go for the latter, and then I made the decision to do a mixture of both. Today I was sitting in the car with my family listening to BBC radio 2, and the topic of the day was; people who have helped you when you have been at your lowest point, and that gave me the inspiration for todays post.

I have never said this on this blog, or anywhere online before, but anyone who knows me in real life knows that, I suffer from Anxiety, and this is something I have struggled with for a long time, and this year was the first time I sought out professional help, and I now take medication.

With my anxiety I have always been worried about turning to people who mean the most to me because I have been afraid they won’t understand, or they will not know how to help. This was particularly bad over the last couple of months when I did not want to be around my family due to fear that they would not understand, so I began to isolate myself from my family, and self sabotaged relationships with other people in my life, because I was afraid they would see how bad things had become, which now I see was the worst thing I could of possible ever done.

However when I arrived home, I realise how important my family are in me coping with my anxiety. When I arrived home I hid so much from my family. I would lie when I was telling them how I felt. I would say things like; Im fine. I would go out for hours, not tell my parents where I was going, I would do anything in order to avoid talking about my emotions.

I have said for the longest time that:

When I need help is the time I tend to build walls around myself, and shut those people out who care about me. However I could not keep this up for long.

Recently I was in the kitchen, and I started to cry, without warning, and I just couldn’t function. I had tried to cover everything up, not talking about how bad things had gotten, and I just couldn’t keep it in anymore. Luckily my mum was there, and we talked for a long time. I was so afraid to tell her how I felt, however she was so understanding and all she wanted to do was help. This made me realise how one very important thing.

From the very first moment I began struggling with my mental health, the people I could always turn to, have been my family. From my very first panic attack, to the every day struggles I have due to my mental health, they are always there to help me through. Even on the days where I felt like I had no one, and I had isolated myself so much that I was unreachable, my family were always there willing to support me in any ways they could. Sometimes they get it wrong (like mum being ridiculously cheery, or dad telling me just to move on), but most of the time they get it right.

So basically this post is a huge appreciation to the people (partially my family) who help me cope with my mental health, who are always there for me. There are also people outside of my family circle, without who I don’t know what I would do without. They are always there for me, no matter where they are in the world, or the time of day or night, and those people I cannot thank enough (you know who you are if you are reading this xxx) .

This post also serves as a reminder that you are never alone, no matter how alone you feel there is someone out there somewhere, who cares about you. Also it serves as a reminder that the people around you only want whats best for you, so no matter how had it is (I know its so difficult for me, and it can take a while) try to knock down the walls, not build them.

Love

E xxx

P.s. I am always here, and remember its ok, not to be ok xxxx

Dear anyone who has helped me change.?

I’m know that I am probably the last person you want to hear from right now. I know you hate me, and that’s ok, because I don’t particularly like myself right now either, but I’m trying to change, and I think I’m getting there, and surely that’s a start. For the things I did, the things I said, that caused you pain, I’m sorry. I know those words often hold little, or no significance, but they are currently the best I have.

I’m sorry are the words I use when I have nothing else to say. When everything else has settled down, and the anger and pain has started to go away, that’s when these words hold the greatest amount of strength. Now they are not used in anger, or pain, or in a desperate act of trying to hard. They are not a throw away comment, when trying so hard to work out, what you want me to say. This I’m sorry comes from a place of reflection, where I can see when I went wrong, and I have a desire to change, even though I know it may be to late.

They say that hind sight is a wonderful thing and, recently I have been doing a lot of thinking, and believe me if I could go back and do some things differently I would. I would start at the beginning and work my way forward. I would back to when we first met, and change what we became. I would go back to the moment where everything changed. I would listen to others rather than you, and focus on me for once, rather aim for what you chose for me, which did us all more harm than good. I would listen more carefully when you reached out to me, I would think with my head, and not with my heart.

However I would be stronger and walk away in times you hurt me, because believe me that happened to. I wouldn’t shout or swear, or cry myself to sleep. I would simply walk away, and tell myself it will be ok. That it will all settle down, and we will be ok. Rather than jumping to my own defence, by throwing harsh words back in your face. I wouldn’t think of ways to get back at you, instead focus on my happiness, rather than trying to please you.

They say that hindsight is a wonderful thing, and I agree. It has allowed me to see everything you did for me, and for that I say thank you. It has also helped me see what we all could have done differently. I can look back to, understand my actions better than I did before. I can see, the changes I would have made, and the way things could have been, but I know that that reality wasn’t meant to be, and there is nothing I can do to change the outcome.

Before I end this open letter to anyone I’ve ever hurt, I will say one more thing. To quote wicked:

I’ve heard it said, that people come into our lives for a reason – For Good

Everyone we meet has an impact on us. They bring something we must learn, and help us to grow, and change into who we need to become. What writing this open letter has made me realise is; if events like this, where we have to write these letters didn’t happen, then I would not become the person I am meant to be, as I wouldn’t of learnt the lessons that I need to know, in order to be the best version of me. I am not saying that knowing this makes anything easier, in fact I don’t know if it helps at all, but right now I will take it.

Love

E xx

So today I thought I would something a little bit different. For those of you who not know me, I thought I would write some post which would give you a little bit of more information about me. One thing which most people who know me know is, like so many people, I LOVE musical theatre. I love musical theatre so much, that I have spent the last couple of summers working in a summer camp, which specialises in teaching musical theatre.

Throughout my life I have used books, and musicals, as a form of escapism. When I was was a kid I used to love to imagine what it would be like to live in the world of the musicals. Musical theatre has also had a huge influence on me growing up. As I have said on this blog before I am a singer songwriter, who plays guitar and is influenced by artists such as Lucy Spraggan, and Amy MacDonald. However what a lot of people don’t know is; I am heavily infulenced by musical theatre, and in fact before I started performing my style of music, I was heavily involved in musical theatre, playing characters such as Elphaba in Wicked, and Mrs Potts in Beauty and the Beast.

Today I thought I would share with you guys my top 5 musicals. They are not in any particular order, but I just thought this would give you a deeper understanding into me as a person, and the things which inspire me.

1. Wicked

Ever since I was very young Wicked has always been a musical which means a lot to me. When I was aged around 13 I played Elphaba, in my local youth theatre production of The Wizard of OZ and Wicked. I have alway identified with Elphaba as she stood out from the world she was brought up in, and that is very much how I have felt, ad Elphaba reminded me that, it is ok to do what you think is right, and remember to try care about what other people think.

Favourite song: Defying Gravity

2. Waitress

In 2017 I spent my first summer in New York City. Ever since I was really young it had been a dream of mine to see a show on Broadway, and on my second last day in the city I managed to catch a show. I had to make a choice between The School of Rock, and Waitress, and I chose Waitress, and I fell in love with the show. The show features a really strong woman as the main character who deals with a lot, and the show reminded me that no matter what you face, there is always a way to over come whatever you face.

Favourite song: She used to be mine

3. Les Miserables

What can I say but; Les Miserables I

Favourite song: One Day More

4. Dear Evan Hansen

In 2017 I stumbled across the Dear Evan Hansen accidentally on Spotify Radio, and after one listen I had instantly fell in love with the whole story, and sound track. I have not yet gotten the opportunity.

Favourite song: You Will Be Found

5. Mean Girls

Ok so some people may be reading this, and thinking why is this on the list, and believe me, that would have been my response six months ago, however once I saw the musical adaption of Mean Girls on Stage, I became obsessed. Like many people in the late teens and early 20’s I grew up watching the movie version of Mean Girls, so when I heard they were adapting it into a musical, I was both excited and nervous, and I can say for definite that IT IS WONDERFUL!!

Favourite song: I’d Rather be Me

6. Hamilton

What can I say… Hamilton is Hamilton!

Favourite song: My Shot

7. Once

Favourite song: The Hill

8. Everybody’s Talking About Jamie

Favourite song: And You Don’t Even Know It

9. Mamma Mia!

I love this musical for the sheer reason that; It never fails to make me smile. 

Favourite song: Dancing Queen

10. SunShine on Leith

Like Mamma Mia Sunshine on Leith, is a musical which never fails to make me smile. It is also one of my top 10 musicals because, as it islet in my home city, whenever I feel homesick, or sad, I watch it, and it reminds me of home.

Favourite song: 500 Miles

Hope you enjoyed finding out about my top 10 musicals, I would love to find out what some of your guys faveriout musicals are, and if there are any that I maybe haven’t listened to, as I love discovering new things, which I don’t know about!!

Love

E xx

People say that home is where the heart is, and I have always agreed with them. In this post I wanted to talk about one of the places which has stolen my heart completely!

As I have said before on this blog, I am a Scottish girl from Edinburgh, and Edinburgh is the place I call home, however there is a small place in the highlands of Scotland, 1 hour away from Ullapool which I also holds a huge piece of my heart, Achmelvic Bay on the West Coast of Scotland.

To people who have never experienced the magical place which is Achmelvic, they would see is as;

• Remote
• Cut of
• A beach
• Somewhere with a lot of sheep (they are every where)
• Some would even say boring

However to me and to everyone who spends any amount of time there we see it as;

• Magical
• Freeing
• Home
• Welcoming
• A trusty special place

I began going to Achmelvic every summer at the age of 5, with family. Every year I have fallen more and more in love with this place. I growing up going Achmelvic I have learnt a lot, most of which young people growing up in Edinburgh never get to experience;

• I learnt how to kayak
• I spent my days exploring the hills and rock pools
• I taught myself to body board in the North Sea
• Going to bonfires on the beach until 3am

I have met people from all around the world, and have spent time socialising with people from many different generations, and I gained a better understanding of what it means to have a community.

Whenever I come to Achmelvic I leave feeling refreshed, and ready to face challenges ahead of me, and that is why I am here. Achmelvic is the home, away from home, where I escape to when everything is to much and I need some me time, and that is what I hope to achieve over the next week!

P.s. Feel free to comment and let me know, about the places which you have found which are very special to you, and are your homes, away from home 🙂

Love

E xx

So today I bought a new hat. It’s a woolly hat, and it so warm and it makes me very, very happy! You may be wondering why I am writing about a new Wool hat which I have just purchased and why it has made me so happy!

Well one thing: it is very warm, and I live in Scotland so I appreciate warm things, and secondly it wasn’t the hat itself, but the label which was on it. The hat is from a company called Barts, and when I looked at the label I saw this:

The label said:

“This article was made completely made by hand. Please understand and accept it’s imperfections and enjoy its uniqueness.”

Before you all think I have lost my mind let me explain. I know the label was talking about the hat but, it got me thinking. Each person is completely unique, and everyone is imperfect, just like my hat. Often (I know I do) rather than embrace our uniqueness and imperfections we cover them up, and try to hide from them, often out of fear of what other people will think. This label on a hat made me realised that, the things which make me unique and my imperfections, are what make me, me, and without them, no matter how much I may dislike them, it is these things which I should embrace, rather than hide them away.

So that is what I learnt from a Woolly hat, that uniqueness, and imprecations are things to be enjoyed and treasured, rather than hidden away, or ashamed of.

Love

E xx

So guys before I start this blog post, and it is going to be a long one, I want to start of by confessing something to you guys. For those of you who have been following this blog I began by saying that I was not drinking for 100 days… well I’m really sorry but I couldn’t keep that promise, and I really regret it, which is why I am trying a again.

The reason I stopped drinking was because, over the summer period I managed to get myself into tricky situations because of drink, and afterwards I kept drinking in order to forget and keep on going, and neither of these thing was healthy for me. When I was away the drinking to forget which at the time I thought was helpful (it really wasn’t) , however when I got home I noticed that when I was drinking it just made everything rushing back, and all I could feel was anger, and I decided very quickly that I did not want to feel like that until I was feeling able to do so. One night someone who used to mean a lot to me messaged me very drunk, and I said to them:

“Drinking doesn’t always help situations it often makes them worse”

After this I realised that I really should start taking my own advice, and this time 100% stop drinking for 100 day. This means that from now my new 100 days mark is:

14th January 2019.

This feels like so long away but I feel it is something I need to do. Also if I do slip up I will, post about it on here and I will add on an extra day!

I’m sorry guys that I couldn’t do it, but this is a real challenge for me and I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but I know I can do it! Thank you to everyone who has supported me so far it means so much!

Love

E xx

P.S there will also be an extra post today! (Preview on my Instagram account @esjourney)

My quote of the day comes from the one and only Marilyn Monroe! I have chosen this quote today because it reminds me that it is ok for things to end, it just means you have something else to look forward to! 💜 .

I don’t remember much from Primary school. Of course I remember learning things like my A,B,C’s, my 1,2,3’s my time tables, and how to read and write. However when it comes to actual activities in classes I can rarely recall, the words, and phrases which teachers would say to me. However there is one particular lesson which I remember my teacher giving in Primary 5,which I have never forgotten, and I carry with me to this day. She said:

“In your life there is only going to be one person who knows every part of you… and that is yourself. We are made up of many different parts, which stay together to make a whole person. There are many people who think they know you, but they only know the parts which you show to them.”

I don’t remember the rest of the class, or the topic of the lesson as a whole, however through out my life, I have held onto this one idea. The idea that there are many different sides to our personalities, some which we love, and we show to those we care about,  and some which we hide away, and don’t let the people around us get to know.

The reason I am writing about this lesson I had a school, right now (and I have mentioned the idea of people being like Jigsaw’s in my day 5 blog,) is because recently It became very clear to me just how many different parts of my own personality, there are. Recently I have felt like the jigsaw which I am, has parts which are not in the correct places, and parts of my personality I do not always show began to become more, and more clear to those around me, and rather than asking for help, or learning to embrace them, I tried to carry on like I normally would, to keep those around me happy, because this was not the Emma they knew. However this did not work, as I could not explain to them, why I was feeling the way I did, and I became angry towards them, and kinda lost myself along the way. The way I lost these people around me, hurt, and still does, but then I remembered what my teacher told me all the way back in Primary school.

It is ok to be made up many different elements, and you are the only person who knows every part, and you do not have to change any part of yourself in order to please anyone. Thinking about this lesson I was taught made me remember that people often focus on certain parts of your personality which they like, no matter how much you know this person, or how much they mean to you, if they see apart they didn’t know was there they may leave you, and that’s ok…

It made me realise that I want to surround myself with people who, I don’t feel I need to hide elements of my personality from, and who accept every part of my jigsaw puzzle, the parts which I love, as well as he pieces I don’t.

Love

E xx

When I was at school, we were asked to make a list of everything we would like to do before we turned 30. Recently I was clearing out my old school books I found this list, that I made when I was 16 years old. When I was looking through the list I noticed that there were things that I had already done, things which I was still to accomplish, and now there would be even more I would like to do.

Looking through this list made me realise just how much I have accomplished things over the last 4 years that 16 year old Emma never thought possible, and it has inspired me to set myself a new challenge. Now that I am 20, I have given myself 10 years to, complete this list, and I thought I would share it on here, including the things I have already done

1. Live in New York and go see a Broadway show (original list) – Done

From a young age I have been obsessed with musical theatre, and had always wanted to see a Broadway show. Also from the first time I watch Miracle on 34th street, and elf I have always wanted to live in New York. Being from Edinburgh both off these things seem unrealistic, two things which 16 year old Emma never thought would happen, however…. In the summer of 2017 and 2018, I found myself living and working in a Performing Arts summer camp in Upper State New York! Whilst I was there I  fulfilled my second half of this first bucket list aim, and went to not 1 but 3 shows on Broadway; Waitress in 2017, and Mean Girls and Frozen in 2018.

 2. Travel around Australia (original list)

When I was 8 years old I visited Perth in Western Australia, to visit my cousins who emigrated there a couple of years before. Ever since then I have always wanted to go back to Australia, and travel to other places including; Sydney, Melbourne, and Canberra. I haven’t managed to accomplish this year but summer 2019…

3.  Perform in the Edinburgh Fringe Festival (original list) – Done

Growing up in Edinburgh, as a singer songwriter one thing which is a must do is, perform in theEdinburgh Fringe. Wether that is Busking on the Royal Mile  or performing in a venue, it is something I had always wanted to do and in 2015 and 2016, I did. In 2015 I busked in the street, and in 2016 I busked and performed in the famous Grouse House. During these times in the Fringe I had some of the best times, and made some of the best friends I could of asked for.

4. Do a sky dive.

This is something which I have wanted to do since I was a child, but have never been brave enough, or had the opportunity to accomplish, but it is something I would still love to do.

5. Write a book.

Ever since I was young I have loved reading (the reason why I now write Blogs). A main goal of mine is to one day write a book, I know it will be difficult, but it is something I can to do.

6. Release a E.P – Done

When I first stared out as a singer song writer, just like I was with my writing, I was terrified to show my songs to anybody. I was so reluctant to perform my songs that one of my friends once bet me £20, that I would not perform my songs (she won hahah). Even though I had this fear,  I always wanted to write, and release something which was completely mine. It took me a long time, but I eventually got over my fear, and In May 2017 I  released my first E.P entitled  “A Long Way To Go…”. Right now I am currently working on my second E.p. The Ep is available on iTunes, Spotify ect…

7. Go to Rome – done

Since I was young I was obsessed with the Roman empire, and I always wanted to go and explore the historic city, and in the summer I left school I did. I still have not been inside the Colosseum, I loved this historic city.

8. Get a degree.

This is one that I have not currently achieved, but I am working on. Now you may be wondering why this is on my bucket list, but here is why. When I was at school, I was told  by many teachers that I would achieve nothing. Due to me being dyslexic It took me longer to learn things, than it did my peers, and many teachers did not believe I could do it, including my head of year. However I proved them wrong and left school with; 7 national 5’s, 3 Higher’s, 2 Advanced Higher’s, and a HNC in Acting for stage and screen. I am now in my third year of university, and am determined to achieve my degree by summer 2020.

9. Get a tattoo – done

I have always wanted a tattoo, and two days after my 18th birthday I did. I have a small ukulele on my right ankle. 

10. Go up the Eiffel Tower

If any of you guys have done anything which I haven’t, or want to do anything which I have feel free to comment and let me know! Hopefully in the next 10 years I can complete everything on this list, and even more, but I have posted this to show that if you want to achieve something, and you work hard to make it work, you can do anything you want.

So before I being this post you may have noticed that  have went a little quiet over the last few days, and I just want to say….

I am sorry.

Over the last couple of days I have spent lot of time with friends, and family, and I have just not known what to write in on this page. Spending this quality time has really helped me realise, some important things and today I am back, and ready to write about them.

Family, is a complex, interesting and amazing thing, which holds different means to many different people.  Of course there is the dictionary definition of family:

Family:

A group of people related by blood or marriage.

Recently one of my close friendships ended differently than I ever thought that it would. For a while I could not think back about over the good times that we had had together, because all I could feel was anger, due to the way things ended. However its taking times but I have slowly began to remember that it doesn’t always matter about the way things end, but that it is ok to look back an think about the good times that we had together.

I know it has only been 10 days, but in these last 10 days I have started to learn a lot about the process of making positive changes, and these are some things that I have been doing which have made me feel better, which I thought I would write down and share with you. Over the last 10 days I have experienced a rollercoaster of emotions, and these 10 things have benefitted me.

Disclaimer: these are strategies which I have found help me, they may not help everyone but, I am just one friend passing on something I have found helps me, incase it benefits anyone else.

1. Surround yourself with people who make you want to be the best version of yourself.

One of the most important things I have been doing recently is surrounding myself with people who make me want to be the best possible of myself. This has included reconnecting with people who I have not seen in two years. Being around these people who you know care about you, and you care equally about them, has meant I have not constantly questioned my relationship with them, and I had honestly forgotten what that was like. Because of this mutual respect and trust for each other , it has meant that this journey I am has became easier.

2. Plan things which make you want to improve.

I have found that planning events which make me want to improve, has helped me stay positive and improve my state of mind. For example events like meeting friends, or planning trips away (Im going to Paris to meet a friend 🙂 ). Personally I also like to use a count down app to remind me, that even when it feels like things I am looking forward to are far away, they are not to long.

3. Creating a music playlist of songs which hold meaning to you, make you smile, or remind you of good times, and listening to it.

My Playlist

4. Everyone will react differently to you, some positive, some negative, and that’s ok!

When I first began to tell people that I was doing this whole 100 days of self improvement thing, their reactions varied. Some were positive, and some were negative, and you know what’s that’s ok. Learning and realising that everyone is going to react differently to you and your actions is something which has really helped me, as I have began to see that I not everyone will react the way you want them to and that ok.

5. Always do what makes you happy.

6. Hold onto the good times don’t focus on the bad.

One of the reasons I started to blog was because I couldn’t see the positive sides of a recent situation I found myself in, which had once been positive and has ended badly. Every time I looked back I could only see the negative things, and had started to forget the good times we had together, which was having a negative impact on my emotional wellness.  However recently someone said to me:

“its not the destination that matters, it is the journey”. 

Putting this quote into sight of this recent situation has helped me let go of some anger I have felt, as I have began to look back and remember the good times, as well as the. bad, and hold onto them, which has helped me start to move on, and  begin to feel better

7. Being as open and honest with those around you, makes most situations 100 times easier to deal with, than dealing with it yourself.

There is a saying “a problem shared is a problem halved” well I can well and truly say this is true! 10 days ago, I was holding all of my problems in, not letting anyone in. I was heart broken, and had been for a while, and did not let anyone know how I was feeling, and one day it all became to much, and I ended up telling someone very close to me everything. At first I was worried about their reaction, however I quickly realised it was what I should of done a long time ago, and I have now started letting more people in, which is definitely helping.

8. Do things which challenge you.

Challenging yourself to trying new things, never fails to keep your mind occupied. I have found that keeping myself busy is keeping my mind from wondering back, into places which I don’t want to be. I have recently became so engrossed in a new challenge, that I completely forget everything which has been happening. Whether this is, starting a blog, learning to play a new song, reading a play, building a cabinet (yep that actually happened hah)

9. Admit to yourself that you have made mistakes.

In every situation there is always two sides. When something ends particularly a relationship of any form friendship or anything, there is always more than one point of view. At first you spend most of the time time blaming the other person, holding a lot of anger towards them, however I have realised that the quicker you begin to accept that you were in the wrong and acknowledge the mistakes you made the easier it is to begin to move forward rather than constantly moving backwards.

10. Accept that it’s time to move on, and that you can’t punish yourself for ever.

When my friendship first ended I started punishing myself, over analysing everything I had said and done, Constantly trying to come up with ways to fix everything. However I have now realised that sometimes (even when it is hard), that often the best thing to do is move on, and you can’t keep punishing yourself forever because it will stop you from forming meaningful relationships with other.

So for anyone who hasn’t read my previous posts, or who doesn’t know me in real life, I have mentioned that I am using these 100 days to improve myself as a human being. I began this journey after a series of events, which made me realise something had to change, and today was I turned a corner.

Up until this point in the year my years not been great, and rather than dealing with my problems, I effectively ran away from my issues, thinking it would help. However even though in some ways it did help, (e.g. I have made friends who I hope to have in my life forever) in others it made everything worse, and because of this I have made many mistakes which I do regret a lot.

Before I effectively ran away to the best job in the world, I was feeling so low that I walked away, and lost interest in my passions, and doing things which makes me happy – which for me is my music. I can’t explain why I did this, but at the time it just felt like what I needed to do, but I was wrong. One thing that the last few months have taught me is

“Don’t ever give up on what makes you happy”

No matter how miserable you feel, if you let go of your passions then you won’t feel better. When I refer to the best job in the world I am talking about when I was teaching music to children aged between 7 and 17. When I first arrived at this job I let the way I had been feeling get  in the way, this impacted on the way I interacted with the people I cared about, I was so nervous to do my job, that I continued to mess up, and I needed constant reassurance to prove to myself that I was doing a good job, and for anyone who had to deal with that,

I am sorry it was not fair for me to do that to you.

Today I made a decision. For the last few days I have been dealing with, and coming to terms with everything I did, and everything that happened to me this summer. I have spent a lot of time crying, shouting, and thinking about ways that things could of ended differently, and ways which I could fix this current situation. This led me to a lot of self blaming, and a lot anger towards another person. However I came to realise that sometimes

even though letting go is hard, it is most commonly the right thing to do. 

After I had this realisation I did something which I haven’t done in a while, I went busking. I know for most people reading this, this seems like a small thing, however when this was one of the best things I could of done. When you have spent so much time feeling as though you have to avoid you passions, its so difficult to go back to it, especially after you have let your emotions run your life for so long.

Anyway this was a very long winded blog in order to get to this point;

Never give up on your passions, because when you do it makes everything a lot more difficult – doing what makes you happy is the most important thing.

Also I wanted to include some videos of me performing at an event this week, this is me at my happiest.

This video is my original song called Fight The Noise.

This is my version of Caladonia by Dougie MacLean

Thanks

E xx

Starting the day of right!

I have found that if I start the day of right, I feel so much better! When I say starting the day off right, Im not talking about, getting up doing yoga, then going for a three mile run, I am talking about

doing things in the morning which make you feel good,

and make you feel ready for the day.

If for you that is, getting up doing yoga, and going for a three mile run, there is nothing wrong with that, and I applaud you because I know I couldn’t do it! But for me I have found that having a certain routine, really helps me feel ready for the day.

1. Waking up naturally, or setting an alarm which is an up beat song.

Waking up naturally is something which everyone wishes they could do an a daily basis. Not having to listen out for that dreaded alarm, informing us that is time to face another day. However I always find that if here is ever a day where I don’t have work, or university ensuring that I put my alarm off the night before and waking up naturally, makes me feel refreshed (it also makes you realise just how much you needed to sleep 1 in the afternoon is my record 😂). I also say that on the days when you do set an alarm, use a song which makes you want to get out of bed. When I was travelling I knew someone who played Shake it Off by Taylor Swift in order to wake themselves up in the morning, my personal favourite is Don’t Stop by Nina Nesbitt.

2. Having a warm shower

3. Eating a healthy breakfast!

Personally I believe that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I know many people don’t eat breakfast (and that’s ok, it’s all about finding things which work for you), but I know when I don’t eat something in the morning I struggle for the rest of the day. My ideal breakfast includes:

• A small glass of orange juice

• A small bowl of natural yogurt, mixed with honey. Normally to the yogurt I add coconut, oats, and cinnamon.

• A bowl of porridge. Again to the porridge I add either strawberries or raspberries, Covent, oats and cinnamon

Whenever I eat this breakfast (which I try to do everyday) I feel energised and ready to take on the day, whereas when I don’t eat I often feel unenergised and not ready to take on the day I front of me.

4. Take some time for yourself

Before heading out for the day, make sure you try to take 5 or 10 minuets to do something you enjoy. That could be reading a book, doing make up or hair, watching breakfast time radio, anything at all which helps you get into your own head space. For me this always helps me face the day, as I often use this time to plan out my day ahead.

These are not things which are proven to do anything, but for me these work, and currently the way I’m feeling having a morning routine likes this, makes me feel so much better, and has helped me get out of bed and face the challenges the day has brought.

Before you start reading be warned this is going to be a long post, possibly one of the longest one’s on here (Don’t say I didn’t warn you 🙂 )

So yesterday was crazy, and it made me realise that I have never explained why I started this blog in the first place.

In my first ever post I explained about how I am not drinking for 100 days, and how I want to us these 100 days to become a better person. Eating better, getting fit, surrounding myself with people who make me happy, but yesterday in my real life I hit a wall, and lost all sense of these aims. 

Yesterday I had to deal with a situation which initially was a catalyst to me making changes. When I was put in the situation which I thought I was ready to deal with, and could handle, I very quickly realised it was to soon and I wasn’t ready. I broke down,  reacted in a way I never should have,  said somethings I never should have said, and  I realised just how far away I am from the person I want to, and used to be.

Yesterday made me realise that if I want to make these positive changes, I have to be 100% honest, both with those around me, and with myself. I hope that me being so open and honest will help me, and possibly if  anyone does read this, (even in the future, once these 100 days are over),  understand why I am making these changes, why I feel the way that I feel.

So here it goes.

Before I begin I want to start of saying, I know I have only been on the earth for 20 years, but during that 20 years I have changed, developed, went through phases of being different. Listening to different music, wearing different clothes, different make up (I don’t talk about many of them), socialising with different people, had different interests and hobbies, and before I go any further I want to say THAT IS OK! If I can give one piece of advice which I have learnt over the last 20 years, is that it is ok to change yourself, to try and work out who you are. We are all incomplete pieces of a jigsaw, always changing, and finding new pieces which make us the people we want to be.

The friends that we have, the music we listen to, the fashion phases we go through (even the bad ones haha) the experiences we have, all shape us. However something else I have learnt is, sometimes we don’t like the people we are becoming. For me it happened over a long period of time, so slowly that I didn’t realise it was happening, It was only recently when my friends started to point it out, and I began to act extremely out of character, landed myself in some tricky situations, and hurt one of my best friends so badly, that I don’t know how to fix it, that I realised something had to change.

I can’t exactly pin point when the changes started to happen. As I said earlier the experiences, we go through help mould and shape our personalities.  Over the last few months I did a lot of thinking, attempting to pin point events which I feel effected me in some way, both good, some bad.

I used to be a very open person, always willing to meet new people and let in them into my life. I wasn’t very guarded, and people I had never met before would often comment on how cheery, or happy I always seemed (even when I didn’t feel it). For example when I worked in retail a customer said to me:

“You are one of the happiest sales assistants I have ever met”.

However slowly over the last year people started to tell me that this was changing. It was small things at first people asking me if I was ok?, Telling me that I seemed tired, commenting that I don’t smile as much. At first I would answer that I was stressed with university, or that work was bringing me down (it was but thats a story for another time haha). I honestly thought that it was because I had finished working at the best job I had ever had, and came home to normality. This went on for a while, I was fine, but my friends and family started to pick up on it, however when we arrived in January 2018, there were a series of events (a death, a car accident, I had my phone and purse stolen) in my life, which did a few things:

• Made me stronger
• Made me angry
• Made me build walls

I became nervous, and on edge all the time. I made no time for myself, as I attempted to keep constantly busy in turn this meant I made no time for my friends, who I wanted to be around, but I did not feel I could talk to because they did not need to hear my problems. My solution to this scenario, was to escape, go away to back to the place where the year previously I had been the best version of myself that I had been in a very long time, thinking that it would help me move on and get back to me, however I realised quickly that this was not the case.

When I arrived people made the same comments which my friends at home had made. They were along the lines of:

“Whats happened?” “You seem different” “Im here if you need to talk”

Recently one of my mangers, at a job which I

“What has happened to you? you used to be the ray of sunshine in the morning, always smiling, and I don’t see that anymore”

All I wanted to do was get back to me, however I was struggling to control my emotions, and I did not know where to turn. I turned to my best friend, who I felt bad about going to but I did not know what else to.

Long story short, I let the new version of me, take over, I would react to situations quickly, situations which I would normally, be able to walk away from. Anything which would make me unhappy, or hurt me, rather than just walking away I reacted, I retaliated, often without thinking, and particularly when alcohol was involved. These reactions lead me to unhealthy situations, which were not good for me, or those around me, and these situations have lead to the breakdown of good things in my life.

I never want to get myself into the situations I found myself in over the last few months, and I never want to loose anyone else because of the way that I have acted, when I have not been able to walk, so that is why I am doing 100 days in order to take time for me, and get back to where I want to be.

Anyone who does read this, tank you for following me on my journey, I hope that now you have read this you have a better idea as to why I am doing this

Love

E xx

Today was the first day of proper normality since I arrived home. I woke up this morning and I’m not going to lie I was terrified. Since I came home I have felt numb, and all I have wanted to do was sleep and avoid having people around me, in case they work out there is something wrong. However yesterday and being around people who cared about me, really helped banish some of the anxiety about today.

So I started the day by having a healthy breakfast, and a coffee (can’t start the day without it now apparently ☕️), I then went onto Spotify and listened to an artist who really inspires me, Amy MacDonald. One thing positive which has came out of every situation I have found myself in over the last couple of months is, I have realised how important music is within my life, and the power which it has in order to alter or change my mood and state of mind. For example when I was going through a lot of pain I would listen to music like Muse, My Chemical Romance, or The 1975 however during happier times it was music like Amy MacDonald, Nina Nesbitt, Ed Sheeran or someone similar. I know that makes me sound like an emo teenager who uses their music taste to show what is going on in their soul, but honestly music has really helped me understand my emotions, and I would say to anyone who is going though a hard time, listening to music which inspires you, really does help you feel better (It does for me anyway).

Anyway when I arrived back at my first day of third year at university, I released that I had nothing to worry about. I have spent a lot of time with someone recently who made me feel so anxious about this year, because they struggled, however being back I realised that I am surrounded by tutors, and classmates who are all there to support me, and will help me get through the next year. I know that it will not always be easy however I already to face the challenge head on.

Today was also my first day back at work since I got home. I was worried incase I had no good idea’s or that my co worker, would not like the idea’s that I did have, however when we met I realised I had nothing to worry about.

I realised today that I have been over thinking everything, and that this is something I have always done, since I was very young, and I have now realised that is I want to feel positive, and enjoy the things I don’t, I have to stop doing this as it is something which lead to the negativity I have felt over the last few months.

Love

E xx

Today I have been doing a lot of thinking about overthinking (Ironic right), however U have realised that over thinking a huge problem that I have which effects me all the time, articulacy when it comes to new situations .g new work environments  and meeting new people. This is why over the next 98 days it is something I am going to try ands stop doing.

E xx

So today for the first time since I got home, I surrounded myself with people out with of my immediate family circle who care about me, and It made me feel so much better. The day started of by meeting one of my good friends who I have not seen in months. We went for lunch, and then went for our tradition of coffee. Afterwards I met up with four friends from university. We went for dinner, talked about one another summers, and then got more coffee.

Surrounding myself with some of my good friends made me realise how important and valuable it is to talk to people who care about your emotions, and what you are talking about.  Talking to these friends about how I feel, and what I have been through recently, helped me clear my head. The people I surrounded myself with today, in environments which make me feel safe, and comfortable is what I have needed for the last few days, and it has made me realise a goal for my 100 days: My aim is to surround myself with people who are there for me.

E – xx

I recently discovered a song by one of my favourite artists which has recently helped  me get through a lot. This quote is from the song Stick the Kettle On, by Lucy Spraggan and Scouting for Girls. Listening to the song it comes across saying that it is ok to make mistakes and mess up, and that we learn from everything that we do, however there are always people there for you who are willing to provide you with help and support, when it is needed.

I have always put so much pressure on myself to be perfect, making sure I never put a foot wrong. This lead to me not taking anytime for myself, constantly worrying about other people, their emotions, and their views of me, I was constantly scared of letting them down. However this summer it all came to a climax, where I just couldn’t be perfect anymore, I couldn’t be what everyone else wanted me to be, and this lead to me do things which were mistakes which I regret so much, however this song reminded me that it is ok to make mistakes, and that we learn from them.

Love

E xx

P.s. If you want to listen to the song, listen here!

Stick the Kettle on – Lucy Spraggan and Scouting for Girls

So the is the first official day of my journey. I know this sounds dramatic, and like the start of one of those cheesy teenage fiction books, but please here me out.

Over the last three months I have made many, mistakes which have changed me as a person. Due to my actions and hers , I have lost the person who I thought was my best friend, put myself into situations which were not healthy for me, hurt people I care about, and put myself in a lot of  danger.

These series of events well and truly messed with my head, and have started to shape how I now look at the world marlins me. This summer someone asked me, “Are you gonna make any lifestyle changes when you get home?” and when she asked me and I didn’t know what she meant,  but know I see what she meant.

One of the huge problems I have had was alcohol. It wasn’t that I was drinking every day, or that I needed it to function, but every time I drank it would react with my head making me do stupid, and reckless things. Over the last three months as I have already said  I have put myself in a situations which were not safe, made choices which didn’t benefit anyone, and in fact hurt me, and hurt and pushed away the people I was meant to care about. Of course there are more ham one sides to stories, and I know that I was not totally to blame, but If I hadn’t drank, I could of stopped the situations from developing into what they became, and we would not be in the place I am in now.

Reflecting  on my time over the last few months, I have decided to make some changes. One of the biggest changes I intend to make is, I intend to cut out alcohol for 100 days. Today is currently the 17th off September 2018, and in 100 days it will be the 26th of December, between now and then I will not have a single drink. Not on a night out with friends, not on Christmas Day, no more drinks, of any form. I am also going to use these 100 days to make other positive change in my life. I am going  to go back to the gym, something  which I miss and I wish I had kept up, I am going to eat healthier, and I am going to try to only have people In my life who matter to me.

Over the next couple of months I have a lot to look forward to and a lot of challenges to face. I am about to start my third year of university, and I want to be the best possible version of me that I can be, and I think this is the best place to start.

I am going to use this blog to document my journey across over the next 100 days, I will write something every day, no matter how dull my day is, or if I have an interesting day. I know this isn’t going to be easy, but I believe that I can do it.

If anyone does ever read this, and is going on a similar journey please feel free to contact me through the contact section on the blog.

E – xx

So everyday I use an app which when I wake up shows me an inspirational quote, which along with my blog posts I am going to share on this page. The quotes I share will either be from the app, or from something which has inspired me today, his could come from a book, a song or anything. Todays came from the app, from the fictional Tyrion Lannister from Game of thrones.