Before you start reading be warned this is going to be a long post, possibly one of the longest one’s on here (Don’t say I didn’t warn you 🙂 )
So yesterday was crazy, and it made me realise that I have never explained why I started this blog in the first place.
In my first ever post I explained about how I am not drinking for 100 days, and how I want to us these 100 days to become a better person. Eating better, getting fit, surrounding myself with people who make me happy, but yesterday in my real life I hit a wall, and lost all sense of these aims. 
Yesterday I had to deal with a situation which initially was a catalyst to me making changes. When I was put in the situation which I thought I was ready to deal with, and could handle, I very quickly realised it was to soon and I wasn’t ready. I broke down, reacted in a way I never should have, said somethings I never should have said, and I realised just how far away I am from the person I want to, and used to be.
Yesterday made me realise that if I want to make these positive changes, I have to be 100% honest, both with those around me, and with myself. I hope that me being so open and honest will help me, and possibly if anyone does read this, (even in the future, once these 100 days are over), understand why I am making these changes, why I feel the way that I feel.
So here it goes.
Before I begin I want to start of saying, I know I have only been on the earth for 20 years, but during that 20 years I have changed, developed, went through phases of being different. Listening to different music, wearing different clothes, different make up (I don’t talk about many of them), socialising with different people, had different interests and hobbies, and before I go any further I want to say THAT IS OK! If I can give one piece of advice which I have learnt over the last 20 years, is that it is ok to change yourself, to try and work out who you are. We are all incomplete pieces of a jigsaw, always changing, and finding new pieces which make us the people we want to be.
The friends that we have, the music we listen to, the fashion phases we go through (even the bad ones haha) the experiences we have, all shape us. However something else I have learnt is, sometimes we don’t like the people we are becoming. For me it happened over a long period of time, so slowly that I didn’t realise it was happening, It was only recently when my friends started to point it out, and I began to act extremely out of character, landed myself in some tricky situations, and hurt one of my best friends so badly, that I don’t know how to fix it, that I realised something had to change.
I can’t exactly pin point when the changes started to happen. As I said earlier the experiences, we go through help mould and shape our personalities. Over the last few months I did a lot of thinking, attempting to pin point events which I feel effected me in some way, both good, some bad.
I used to be a very open person, always willing to meet new people and let in them into my life. I wasn’t very guarded, and people I had never met before would often comment on how cheery, or happy I always seemed (even when I didn’t feel it). For example when I worked in retail a customer said to me:
“You are one of the happiest sales assistants I have ever met”.
However slowly over the last year people started to tell me that this was changing. It was small things at first people asking me if I was ok?, Telling me that I seemed tired, commenting that I don’t smile as much. At first I would answer that I was stressed with university, or that work was bringing me down (it was but thats a story for another time haha). I honestly thought that it was because I had finished working at the best job I had ever had, and came home to normality. This went on for a while, I was fine, but my friends and family started to pick up on it, however when we arrived in January 2018, there were a series of events (a death, a car accident, I had my phone and purse stolen) in my life, which did a few things:
- Made me stronger
- Made me angry
- Made me build walls
I became nervous, and on edge all the time. I made no time for myself, as I attempted to keep constantly busy in turn this meant I made no time for my friends, who I wanted to be around, but I did not feel I could talk to because they did not need to hear my problems. My solution to this scenario, was to escape, go away to back to the place where the year previously I had been the best version of myself that I had been in a very long time, thinking that it would help me move on and get back to me, however I realised quickly that this was not the case.
When I arrived people made the same comments which my friends at home had made. They were along the lines of:
“Whats happened?” “You seem different” “Im here if you need to talk”
Recently one of my mangers, at a job which I
“What has happened to you? you used to be the ray of sunshine in the morning, always smiling, and I don’t see that anymore”
All I wanted to do was get back to me, however I was struggling to control my emotions, and I did not know where to turn. I turned to my best friend, who I felt bad about going to but I did not know what else to.
Long story short, I let the new version of me, take over, I would react to situations quickly, situations which I would normally, be able to walk away from. Anything which would make me unhappy, or hurt me, rather than just walking away I reacted, I retaliated, often without thinking, and particularly when alcohol was involved. These reactions lead me to unhealthy situations, which were not good for me, or those around me, and these situations have lead to the breakdown of good things in my life.
I never want to get myself into the situations I found myself in over the last few months, and I never want to loose anyone else because of the way that I have acted, when I have not been able to walk, so that is why I am doing 100 days in order to take time for me, and get back to where I want to be.
Anyone who does read this, tank you for following me on my journey, I hope that now you have read this you have a better idea as to why I am doing this
Love
E xx
E's Journey 